Filed under: Family Ties, Glitter & Sparkles | Tags: children, family, gay, parents, reconciliation, rejection, relationships, sadness
I wonder, why is it that the most insignificant things that my parents do can inspire such bouts of anger, impatience, and exasperation in me. I really do wonder.
I consider myself to be a very temperate kind of person. I am able to keep calm in most stressful situations. I have a high tolerance for selfish and inconsiderate people and acts. And yet, I treat my parents quite horribly.
For some strange reason, it seems that my teen angst had carried over into my twenties, and had developed into a sort of passive aggressiveness towards my parents.
Sometimes I suspect that it’s some weird way of rejecting my parents before they could reject me. Being their only son, their only gay son, I bear their dreams of family and grandchildren. Of which I will ultimately smash.
If I were to pick a point in time when our relationship took a turn for the worse, it would be when I was in my late teens, when I started dating guys in secret. At that point, I decided to close any channel of communication between my parents and me.
Not knowing how to tell my parents that I’m going out to meet a strange man for sex had me resorting to not telling my parents anything. That way I’m not lying to them.
I guess it’s cowardly of me. And I feel guilty every time they take an interest in my personal life, and I shut them out. But this was, and pretty much still is, the only way I know how to deal.
It makes me tremendously sad because, although my relationship with my father had never been a good one, I can remember a time when my mother and I depended on each other and had the rapport that a mother has with her child that people often talk about.
I would like to have that again.
Filed under: Glitter & Sparkles, Graphic Design, Resolutions, Triumphs & Heartbreaks | Tags: all-in-one printer, design, gay, Graphic Design, graphic design student, gym, illustration, new year's resolutions, parents, sketchbook
I hadn’t realized until now, how much I missed my scanner! Either that or it’s just novelty with my new scanner/printer. I’m sure it’s novelty.
This is a bunch of doodles I did when I played and paused some of my gay pornographic videos. They made for really great figure drawings, among other things. And no, those are not cum stains or stains of any actual kind. I just decided to add a bunch of textures to distract from my mediocre doodles.
So it’s that time of the year again – the end.
It is the time to reflect upon the year’s triumphs and defeats, the time to assess new goals and devise realistic ways to achieve them. How exciting!
My previous New Year’s resolutions:
- Start working out again. 2.5 times a week.
- Start on school assignments as soon as I get them.
- Read for half an hour/day at least.
- Write for half an hour/day at least.
- Better relationship with parents.
- Wash the car once a month.
- Draw in sketchbook for at least 2hrs/week. Bring sketchbook to places.
- Practice design applications. Do not avoid unfamiliar applications.
- Learn to love people I hate (or at least tolerate).
- Try to do at least one thing/day that will better someone else’s life.
All in all, I would say I achieved a fair number of those resolutions.
I went to the gym quite religiously for about 6 months, but when school started again, I just could not muster up the energy to go. I’m now planning my big comeback. I think it will be sometime in January, when all the crazy snow business lets up a little bit.
I now start working on my school assignments maybe not immediately after they’ve been assigned, but definitely not last minute either. I like to think that I’ve been making a conscious effort, but in truth, I think I’ve realized that a lot of the assignments that we’ve been getting has a much wider scope. And it requires more time for the projects to turn out satisfactorily.
I also think that in this program, you get out of it the amount you put in. We’re not in highschool anymore. We are studying graphic design not because our parents made us. We are there because we want to be there.
Reading for at least half an hour per day is probably the only resolution that I kept completely. I definitely don’t write for at least half an hour a day. That’s something I would like to put a bit more effort into this year.
When I wrote “better relationship with parents,” I was quite confident in meeting that goal just because our relationship couldn’t get any worse. And I was right. I would say that my relationship with my parents, although not yet ideal, has definitely seen some improvements. And I hope to build upon these improvements.
I think I washed the car maybe once this year, not including the washes at the maintenance appointments. But it seems cleanliness is about the last thing I was concerned with my car this year. I would just like it to start.
I haven’t drawn in my sketchbook since late April? I’ve mostly used my sketchbook for design ideas and sketches, which is sort of like drawing, but not.
Wow this is getting to be a very long post.
Since the Flash and Dreamweaver fiascos last semester, I can say I have made friends with Dreamweaver with the introduction of CSS. Flash, however, still isn’t my thing. I have also realized the amount of untapped power that Photoshop holds. I will continue to explore these unfamiliar programs.
It has been a long time since I truly hated someone. I’m quite proud to say that I don’t seem to have hated or have hatred for anyone for quite some time. So this one is also a success.
And lastly, one thing per day to better someone else’s life? Well to be honest I haven’t really kept track. And this was a bad resolution to begin with because it’s so vague.
